Saturday, December 02, 2006
it's the same dishes but why is it not so delicious?it's still a matress but why is it not so comfortable?it's a house with people but why is it all so different?because it's not my home.i always think my own home was not cosy. but after staying out for almost 5days in other people's house, i miss home. i miss my ah ma's cooking, my mum's nagging, my bro's irritating voice, and all the laughter we had. i always think they neglect me and i am not part of them but right now, i cannot imagine if i didnt had them. it's still the best to be under this roof called home. i miss every single part of it. my room to the living room to the bathroom to the kitchen. so, i am going back soon. i had a miss call from home, does it mean they miss me too? since someone wanted his personal space too. so be it. maybe i am feeling all these because i am down but i am still sad. i cannot hide it. i thot today is meant to be the happiest day of the month. but, no. i am super sad. i havent been so depressed for a long time. why do all bad things always comes in a row? and worse of all it seems like nobody cares. not even him.. maybe, nobody will know that i am gone if one day i disappear. and what if i jump down the building and nobody cries? negative thots are filling up my brains. seriously,i feel like i am a total failure. it's not just abt that job which i maybe didnt get, neither is it just abt losing a i-thot-suppose-to-be-my-best friend but it's my life. it seems like i made it to fail. now that i got nothing better to do after exams, i got lotsa time to let my thots run.. i realise my life is rubbish. and right now when i need someone to talk to, someone to hold me tight, someone to rely on.. where is that someone? all you tell me is i cannot cry, i cannot be sad anymore...but all these doesnt even help. i feel that i am standing all alone and you are not my pillar of support. are computer games that important? or i dont mean a single thing to you now? i dont like to be alone in my room to face the four walls so i stayed here. but here, i face a boy stuck to his com. holding back my tears is so painful, why dont you hug me tight and let me cry on?
must i act like i am happy to please you? oh come on...
maybe the day i am gone will the greatest relief for you. maybe if one day i disappear, you wont even try to look for me. maybe i should just be alone.
i dont even know how to carry on.
(L) alphabet A
11:57 AM