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CINDY
my curiosity for you eats into my sleep.





IN MY HEART I KEEP:

READ
Saturday, December 02, 2006

it's the same dishes but why is it not so delicious?
it's still a matress but why is it not so comfortable?
it's a house with people but why is it all so different?
because it's not my home.

i always think my own home was not cosy. but after staying out for almost 5days in other people's house, i miss home. i miss my ah ma's cooking, my mum's nagging, my bro's irritating voice, and all the laughter we had. i always think they neglect me and i am not part of them but right now, i cannot imagine if i didnt had them. it's still the best to be under this roof called home. i miss every single part of it. my room to the living room to the bathroom to the kitchen. so, i am going back soon. i had a miss call from home, does it mean they miss me too? since someone wanted his personal space too. so be it. maybe i am feeling all these because i am down but i am still sad. i cannot hide it. i thot today is meant to be the happiest day of the month. but, no. i am super sad. i havent been so depressed for a long time. why do all bad things always comes in a row? and worse of all it seems like nobody cares. not even him.. maybe, nobody will know that i am gone if one day i disappear. and what if i jump down the building and nobody cries? negative thots are filling up my brains. seriously,i feel like i am a total failure. it's not just abt that job which i maybe didnt get, neither is it just abt losing a i-thot-suppose-to-be-my-best friend but it's my life. it seems like i made it to fail. now that i got nothing better to do after exams, i got lotsa time to let my thots run.. i realise my life is rubbish. and right now when i need someone to talk to, someone to hold me tight, someone to rely on.. where is that someone? all you tell me is i cannot cry, i cannot be sad anymore...but all these doesnt even help. i feel that i am standing all alone and you are not my pillar of support. are computer games that important? or i dont mean a single thing to you now? i dont like to be alone in my room to face the four walls so i stayed here. but here, i face a boy stuck to his com. holding back my tears is so painful, why dont you hug me tight and let me cry on?

must i act like i am happy to please you? oh come on...
maybe the day i am gone will the greatest relief for you. maybe if one day i disappear, you wont even try to look for me. maybe i should just be alone.

i dont even know how to carry on.
(L) alphabet A
11:57 AM